


Straight boys don't kiss like that

by greeny1710



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Jos Verstappen's A+ Parenting, M/M, Max Swears A Lot, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, because he's having a breakdown, but characters tagged are the ones important to the story, kind off?, set during 2019 season, tbh the entire grid is here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22202194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeny1710/pseuds/greeny1710
Summary: Max shouldn’t want to kiss Daniel.But damn does he really want to kiss Daniel.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Comments: 56
Kudos: 264





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Request fill for anon on tumblr who said: _Hi! Here's a Maxiel prompt/idea : "Straight men don't kiss like that." Lots of angst but also fluff and a very happy ending. Thanks!_
> 
> It’s a semi-happy ending because I want to do another chapter where I really explore Max getting to grips with his sexuality. Ya boi can relate having a great sexuality crisis (mine wasn’t as extreme as Max’s and didn’t feature homophobia, more just a ‘I DONT KNOW’ for a long time lol) so I didn’t want to wrap it up in this, it felt better for me if I do another chapter (probably way shorter haha) that will house the very happy ending. 
> 
> But yeah, so triggers for a lot of self hatred / depreciation, child abuse, homophobic language and fighting your sexuality. 
> 
> Big thank you to kyoukai1990 for helping me figure out part of this fic! Greatly appreciate your help, friend❤️
> 
> Keep yourselves safe, and there is never anything wrong with kissing whoever the hell you do want to kiss. I love you regardless.

He wasn’t gay. 

That was bad. 

Well, Max wasn’t sure if it was actually bad, but his father had spat enough abuse at those who showed any kind of affinity to members of the same gender that Max wasn’t prepared to question his dad’s authority. He still thought about that time he’d asked why something completely unrelated was bad, Max couldn’t even remember what it was he’d asked about, but his Dad had screamed in his face, spit flying and the weight of his dad’s iron fist colliding with his cheek still ached. He’d been younger then, but the scars of what his dad had done and screamed at him still were enough to fuel Max’s nightmares. 

But he wasn’t gay anyway. 

Only, Max was pretty sure that wasn’t true. 

He’d caught himself looking more than once. Not noticing the soft, feminine lines of a woman’s body, not seeing the flirtatious way a girl would laugh and flick her hair and have her nails dance up his arm as she tried to talk to him in a club. 

Max had tried to sleep with a girl once. He’d been going back to her place even, helped along by the guiding hand of her fingers against his palm, tugging him in the direction of her townhouse.

A townhouse she shared with a brother, who’d come out of the bathroom in a low-riding towel and his tanned abs on show and shockingly deep forest green eyes. 

And when the girl stumbled slightly, not even close to being drunk but enough that Max could argue he didn’t want to take advantage, he’d ran away. The intensity of the brother’s eyes had dug into his soul and Max was definitely not thinking about the girl when he went to bed that night. 

If you asked Max, he couldn’t even tell you a single thing about her. The brother, however, he was all hard lines and ripped muscles and tanned skin and what Max later knew to be a military tattoo over his bicep stretching across onto his chest, the black ink curling around his defined muscles. He had challenging eyes and dark hair, cut precisely and pulled back off his head. If Max thought about it, he knew who those tattoos and the dark hair and the muscles reminded him of. But he refused to allow himself to even consider that. 

Working in Formula One was his dream. Driving the cars and challenging for podiums was everything Max had ever dreamt of. But he hadn’t anticipated how difficult things would be being surrounded by men who definitely were worth noticing, and there not being much female influence for him to try and distract himself into thinking he wasn’t looking at the men with. 

His eyes had wavered over more than once, taking in the strong lines of the mechanics muscles as they worked the machines and threw parts around as though they weighed nothing, had caught the way Jake’s abs shifted underneath the navy of his Red Bull shirts, stifling back blushes whenever he saw Jake pull his shirt off, his muscles shifting beneath his skin. And when Daniel had done the bouldering back when they were teammates, Max knew there had been numerous nights since then in which he’d woken up, the image of Daniel’s strong arms and thigh tattoos peeking out of his shorts slowly leaving his brain, boxers and bedsheets a mess and his chest heaving with guilt.

And the first time he’d ever kissed another boy, Max had sprinted away. Guilt was high on his heart, his father’s disgust echoing in his head, and his throat was pained with how hard Max had emptied his stomach, throwing up and sobbing away the guilt and the pain. 

It had been _so good_. 

So why did it feel _so wrong_?

He couldn’t kiss boys. 

He was straight. 

But his skin burned every time Daniel touched him. And every time Daniel smiled at him, Max went weak in the knees and he wanted to bare his heart to the Aussie, ask him to hug him and hold him and tell him things were going to be okay. 

But he couldn’t do that, because he was straight. Straight boys didn’t do that. Especially not with their incredibly hot ex-teammate that left because you were a brat. He couldn’t think about how soft Daniel’s hands were when they’d rested on his knee, nothing like the callous hard plains of Max’s own fingers. And he definitely couldn’t think about how safe and warm Daniel’s arms felt, when he could feel Daniel’s smile grow as it pressed against Max’s own cheek and his fingers would splay across Max’s back, holding him tightly but never constricting. 

He never felt anything but safe in Daniel’s arms. It always felt right. 

But it was wrong. It was so _fucking_ wrong. 

And yet it was all he could think about. 

Every time Daniel smiled, laughed, made a joke or even just looked at someone a second too long, the image would ingrain itself onto Max’s conscience and it would be all he could think about for hours afterwards. He’d catch himself just thinking about the way Daniel’s lips curled and the way his tongue would twist behind his teeth. Max would think about how soft those lips would feel, how carefully they’d move against his own, how Daniel’s broad hands would cradle the small of Max’s back just so well, holding him safely against the strong plains of his own front. 

Max knew though that if his Dad caught him staring into the distance, lost in thought about Daniel’s mere existence, there’d be hell to pay and so Max tried to push the thoughts down, repress anything that could even hint that he sometimes looked at boys. He couldn’t go through _that_ again. 

The guilt ate at him as he pushed the feelings down, and the whole situation was only made 10x worse when his Dad caught him kissing a girl and then encouraged him to go after and start dating the girl. 

She’d been a nice girl and Max knew that she was the kind of girl any parent would be over the moon about if their child brought her home. And Max hated stringing her along. She was so nice and she seemed to really like Max, but every time Max slung his arm around her shoulders and her hair brushed his skin and her sweet perfume attacked his senses, Max would close his eyes for a minute and have to recalibrate himself, to stop himself pushing her away. And when she went up on her tiptoes and brushed her lips against Max’s, he’d close his eyes and imagine he was anywhere but with her. 

And inevitably, his mind would go to Daniel. Every single time. But he didn’t let himself remember that. He couldn’t let himself remember that. 

It was nearly three months later that she’d split up with Max, telling him that she hoped they could still be friends and it definitely wasn’t his fault that they were ending their relationship. And Max really couldn’t help but think that she’d probably noticed he wasn’t as into her as he should’ve been. But then she explained, and Max was really starting to wonder how everyone he seemed to come into contact with ended up like him. 

“It’s not you, it really isn’t. Well it kinda is, but not actually _you_ you. It’s more the equipment you got, you know? Like, I thought boys were my thing, and you’re great, you really are, but I just prefer girls, you know? I mean obviously you know, because you dated me, you know how great girls are. And there’s just, there’s this girl right, and she’s gorgeous and every time I kiss you, I see her. And I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have strung you along, but I hope we can still be friends?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Hope things work out for you.” Max nodded, his smile strained and she quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me if things come up, right?”

Max felt a flood of genuine love and affection for her and he wrapped her in his arms. She really was one of the nicest girls Max had ever met and he hated that he felt nothing for her. 

“It’s going to be alright, you know? It’s okay to like who you like,” she whispered, tucking herself tightly against Max and holding him. 

Max pulled away slightly and stared at her with wide eyes. 

“You’ll figure it out, it’ll be okay.” She told him, cradling his jaw in her hands and pressed a final lingering kiss to his lips. “I’ll be cheering you on every single day.”

“Make sure you send me a photo of you and her,” Max made her promise, which had her laugh and nod. 

“You do the same when you finally get ‘em,” she said, making sure not to say he. Whether she did actually know about Max’s internal crisis he didn’t know, but if he’d learnt anything during the short time they’d ‘dated’ it was that she didn’t miss anything and she probably had at least noticed Max’s eyes straying from her and towards boys more often than once. 

True to her word, Max had received a photo of her and her new girlfriend, their cheeks smashed together and grinning into the camera. The Monaco sunset behind them created a soft yet content glow on the girls faces and Max knew she had never smiled like that with him.

The more Max thought about it, the more he started to think maybe being gay wasn’t bad. But he still wasn’t convinced he was. 

He’d look at boys, sure. He knew that. It took him a long time to acknowledge it but he knew he did. 

But the idea of even kissing a boy didn’t sit well with him. Every time his brain just immediately went back to being fourteen and kissing that boy for the first time and throwing up. Every thought of being with a boy was marked by that memory of knowing that he was disgusting. Kissing boys was wrong. He couldn’t kiss boys.

Maybe being gay was bad. 

But that was okay. 

Because he was straight. 

Except he wasn’t sure that was true.

And that wasn’t okay. 

\-------- 

It always happened. The end of the first half of the season, just before they all went on summer break and didn’t see each other for three weeks, a message would be sent to the group chat. No context. Just a hotel name and a room number. 

This time it came from Lewis. 

Room 419 in some swanky hotel that Mercedes were in. 

It was a long-standing tradition, one that no one seemed to know when it started, but happened every year without fail. 

And Max had been dragged to it every year, even when he was still a baby seventeen-year-old driver who wasn’t allowed to touch the alcohol or do or see anything that he was underage for. He was only a month out from turning 18 for fucks sakes, he should’ve been allowed the alcohol. Maybe it would’ve helped him to not be so confused and scared and also to just process what he was witnessing. 

End of summer truth or dare was the most terrifying tradition that stood in F1, and Max had grown to not gape at every single dare, but damn. Max had seen some wild sights over the years. 

He’d seen more naked guys than he expected. Had averted his eyes so many times when even the playful dares had turn explicit. Had spent many nights after trying to process how all these men could be so comfortable to even just touch each, not in a sexual manner, but even just hug or kiss their cheeks, and not be wracked with guilt and self-hatred. Max hadn’t even been a part of any of it, he only ever took truths no matter how much the other drivers called him boring, and he’d gone to bed each night with the guilt weighing down on him, terrified that his Dad would just have to look at him and know that he’d been around that kind of behaviour. 

No matter what, though, you couldn’t get out of truth or dare. 

But that didn’t mean Max didn’t try every single time. 

Only this time, it was made worse by the fact that Red Bull was staying in the same hotel as Mercedes and Renault, and Daniel knew that. And when Daniel Ricciardo came knocking at Max’s door, he was very unlikely to deny him anything. 

“Come on, it’s time.” Daniel said as soon as the door opened. 

Max had changed into an unbranded t-shirt and his boxers, having not bothered to put any pyjama pants on. His logic was that if Daniel knew he wasn’t in a state of dress that he could leave his room in, he could argue that he was too tired to go to the truth or dare thing. 

“I’m not feeling good, Daniel, I just want to go to sleep.”

“Come on, it’ll do you good. You don’t have to drink or anything, just do the truths and that and come have fun with us. It’s the babies first time, you know it’s going to be hilarious.”

“Wasn’t hilarious when it was my first time there.”

“You was a _baby_ baby, the rookies are just babies. They’re all legal, we can actually have some fun with them,” Daniel said, grinning evilly. 

But Max didn’t notice the grin. The words cut deep. 

_we can actually have some fun_

Was Max not fun? Was he always destined to be that driver who ruined the mood? Was he too serious?

Kimi was serious. And everyone loved him. 

But Max wasn’t interesting like Kimi. He didn’t have that dry sense of humour and the emotionless, don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, because as much as Max tried, he did care, and he wanted the other drivers to like him. 

He always thought Daniel liked him. Until he said that they could finally have fun. Max wasn’t fun. 

“Daniel, I really don’t want to.”

“You know the rules, babe. You don’t have a choice.” Daniel shrugged, shoving past Max and grabbing some tracksuit bottoms for Max to wear, chucking them at his head and grinning playfully at him. 

“Come on, you know it’s going to be a swell time, we’ll have some fun, Maxy.”

Daniel pouted and batted his eyelashes overdramatically, tilting his head and sniffling until Max sighed and dropped his head. He nodded slowly and reluctantly pulled the trousers on whilst Daniel cheered and ruffled his hair. 

It was an overly paternal/brotherly gesture, and Max hated it. He didn’t want Daniel to treat him like a kid. 

He wanted Daniel to treat him like the kind of man that was worth ~~loving~~ being friends with. 

Max slipped some socks on and followed after Daniel. Lewis’s room was only on the floor above and so Max ditched his shoes, knowing that he wouldn’t need them just to walk for a total of thirty seconds. 

Daniel hummed happily at Max’s side as they went up, dancing to whatever song was playing in his head, bopping his head and pulling faces at Max. Max found himself entranced by it and he couldn’t stop staring. Everything Daniel did was just so intoxicating. He couldn’t take his eyes off him. 

When they made it to the room, Daniel banged his fist way louder than he needed to and Max winced at the strength of Daniel’s fists. All he could see was the strength that Daniel held in his body and how easily he could absolutely destroy someone. 

Lewis wrenched the door open, clapping hands with Daniel as he passed and smiling slightly at Max. Max awkwardly nodded a greeting and followed after Daniel. Valtteri held up a glass of clear liquid which Max knew from experience would be some incredibly strong vodka that, somehow, he and Kimi always smuggled wherever they went. Max murmured a thanks and sunk down between Valtteri and Carlos. 

Max raised the glass to his lips and flicked his eyes around the room. He and Daniel had been the last pair to arrive, everyone else sprawled over chairs, the bed and across the floor. 

Sebastian was cuddled against Kimi’s side, which no one batted an eyelid at. The two had always been overly affectionate with each other, and Sebastian was a clingy bastard. Kimi had his arm lazily thrown around Sebastian’s waist and Max couldn’t take his eyes off the way that Kimi’s fingers clumsily fiddled with the hem of Sebastian’s shirt. Occasionally his fingers would brush against Sebastian’s skin and neither of them seemed to notice. The only indication that they did was when sometimes Kimi’s fingers would dip ever so slightly and Sebastian would almost jump. 

Lando was sat opposite Max and Carlos, sandwiched between George and Alex. He was cross-legged with his elbows resting on his thighs. Lando’s jaw was balancing on his fists and was giving the Spaniard the most intense heart eyes Max had ever seen. He wondered if Carlos even noticed it, but when he caught the way that Lando went bright red as Carlos slowly wet his bottom lip before taking a slow sip from his beer bottle, his lips encasing it in a way that Max had to look away from, he knew that Carlos had. 

How could they all do this? How could they just blatantly flirt and cuddle each other and not feel overcome with guilt?

“You alright, Max?” Valtteri said, nudging him slightly and frowning when he noticed how Max was scratching his nails up and down his arm, leaving deep red lines across his skin that was sure to bleed if Max didn’t stop. 

Max seemed almost in a trance as he nodded, staring at an aimless spot on the carpet as he tried to just process everything. 

When he and Daniel had been teammates, he hadn’t had as much time to freak out over seeing all this gay stuff. 

His mind was too busy reminding him that he was allowed to be happy. And Daniel being his best friend made him happy. 

But now he was actively having to search out for Daniel and he couldn’t just let himself be distracted. Gone was the listening through the walls of their driver rooms to Daniel’s bizarre music and hearing his infectious laugh, distracting Max from all the fear going through his head. Now he was having to search out that smile and that laugh, and all it did was remind Max that he was being bad. He wasn’t meant to look for boys. He was meant to be looking for a girl.

Max didn’t even hear when truth or dare started, his vodka was soon gone and he was just about to ask Valtteri for a fill up when he saw it. 

Lewis was knelt in front of him, his hands cupping Valtteri’s jaw like he was fragile glass and their lips pressed together.

Valtteri was the first to pull away, Lewis’s hand lingering on his strong jawline. Max saw the gentle and nervous smile Valtteri offered Lewis. Lewis pushed himself to fall beside Valtteri, sprawling at his side and they both stretched out, leaning back on their hands. Just out of sight, where no one but Max could see, their pinkie fingers tentatively tied themselves together. 

Truth or dare continued for a while. George was made to admit the most embarrassing thing he’d done to get a date, which had Robert rolling his eyes in exasperation and mutter something about whatever George saying not being the truth, but George was quick to shut him down and the Pole went back to being a silent spectator. Sebastian ended up on Valtteri’s lap at one point, which had both Kimi and Lewis glaring. Lando was too busy trying to convince the older drivers that he should be allowed alcohol. 

Max zoned out. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to watch as Pierre fumbled out some half-arsed dare to Charles or listen as Dany had to say what he loved most about Alex. 

When it came to Max’s turn, he still wasn’t even paying attention. He was exhausted. His brain had been working at overdrive trying to process why everyone was so fucking _touchy_ all the time and why they were all fine with it. 

“Max, which one you taking?”

“Whatever,” Max shrugged, lifting his glass to have someone fill it up. He should’ve paid attention. Then he would’ve noticed that the question hadn’t been whether he was taking another vodka or a beer. 

“Max kiss Daniel.”

Max’s eyes went wide and he dropped the glass. He frantically tried to shuffle backwards out of the circle but Carlos and Valtteri both grabbed him, pushing him forwards to the point that he was almost shoved to fall into Daniel’s lap. 

“No way, I’m not kissing him!” Max shook his head, “No way. Give me truth, I’m not doing it.”

“Oh, come on Max, you know it’s no backsies.” Someone said, but Max didn’t know who.

His brain was going _so fast_.

God, when his Dad found out that Max had been around all of this, he was going to get killed. 

“You never do dares, just do it, cabrón,” Carlos told him. 

Daniel smiled reassuringly at him and shuffled forward slightly.

“C’mon Maxy, it’ll be over before you know it.”

Max hoped that was true. He couldn’t let himself have this. He needed to pretend it wasn’t happening. Not with Daniel. It couldn’t be Daniel. 

Why did it have to be _Daniel_?

Daniel carefully pressed his fingers to Max’s jaw and tugged him forward enough that he could reach him. Max screwed his eyes shut and held his breath, trying to not breathe in Daniel’s strong, masculine smell and tried not to notice the way Daniel’s stubble rubbed against his top lip. 

But the second that Daniel’s lips brushed against his own, Max was gone. 

Hands that had previously been clutched into fists at his side snaked up to grab at Daniel’s neck, holding him in place and pushing their lips together harder. Daniel’s hand came down from his jaw to slide underneath Max’s shirt, his thumb rubbing just below Max’s ribs, until he pulled forward and Max climbed into his lap, straddling his waist. Max pressed himself as close as he could, barely a millimetre of space between them. 

Daniel’s tongue ran against his lip and Max eagerly opened up, kissing him deeply. 

Kissing Daniel was everything he’d imagined it could be. And Max easily got lost in the feel of it all. 

As their tongues tied together and Daniel stroked his hands across Max’s sides, Max moaned into his mouth, pressing himself as close to Daniel as he could and running his fingers across Daniel’s stubble and through his hair, gripping onto his curls. He was falling, falling into a world of pure bliss and ignorance of being free. 

Free from every bad thing his father had ever said.

His head was quiet for once.

It was perfect. 

Until it wasn’t.

The sound of the other drivers hollering and whistling and catcalling hit him. 

Suddenly it was all there.

_disgusting_

Max was disgusting. 

He’d kissed a boy. 

He’d fucking _moaned_.

His eyes went wide and he faintly saw the dusting of rosy cheeks, but Daniel’s eyes were still closed, his long ~~beautiful~~ eyelashes were still brushing against the red but Max couldn’t allow himself to take notice. 

Max shoved Daniel away and quickly sprinted to the bathroom, not even caring to be careful to avoid trampling on another driver and dropping to his knees barely in time before he was throwing up. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he kept retching, his head and his stomach both screaming at him.

How could he be so disgustingly stupid?

To make out with another boy!

His father was going to kill him. The evidence was going to be clear across Max’s face. The guilt. The horror. The disgusting things he’d done. 

He’d not only made out with a boy, but he’d actually liked it. 

He’d never felt better.

And yet it still felt so wrong.

Only it didn’t. 

It felt like perfection.

No.

It was perfection. 

But it couldn’t be. 

It shouldn’t feel so good when it was so wrong. 

“Was kissing me really that bad?”

Max fell backwards, scrambling until his back hit the bathtub and his chest heaved with panicked breaths.

Daniel was stood staring at him, his expression blank but Max could tell there was hurt in his eyes and his jaw was clenched tight.

“I’m straight.” Max whimpered, pressing his palms into his eyes until explosions hit across them, creating fireworks and spirals of colour.

Daniel let out a scoff, and if Max didn’t know better, he’d have said that Daniel sounded hurt. 

“Straight boys don’t kiss like that Maxy.” He replied. Max flinched at the pure venom in his tone. 

“I’m straight, I have to be straight. I’m not fucking gay.”

“Like there’s something wrong with being gay?”

“I’m not fucking gay!” Max screamed as tears streamed down his cheeks, his voice echoing out of the bathroom and to where all the other drivers had fallen silent, but Max forgot about them. Too busy focusing on the anger and the hatred in Daniel’s eyes. 

Anger and hatred that was directed at him.

“I’m not disgusting, I’m not gay, I’m not, you made me do it, I’m not gay,” Max sobbed, pulling his knees into his chest as he rocked back and forth, slamming the heel of his hands into his temple repeatedly to try and make _his_ voice go away. 

Hands came to pull at his wrists and Max screamed and flinched, pulling his hands back into himself and raising his arms up around his head to protect himself. 

“Shit, Max, it’s okay, it’s just me, I’m not going to hurt you.” Daniel tried to comfort Max but he pushed himself out of Daniel’s grasp.

“Leave me alone,” he sobbed, “Please just go.”

“Maxy-”

“Daniel-”

“Max I’m not leaving you when you’re like this.”

Max pushed Daniel out of the way and stood up. Everything was shaking and was blurry and wiggling around, but Max had to leave. He had to get away. He couldn’t be in front of Daniel. The hurt in Daniel’s voice tore at Max harder than his father could ever tear him apart. 

Max slammed the door open and sprinted, running down the corridor and slamming his shoulder into the door at the end. His socked feet were cold as they slapped against the concrete stairs, but not as cold as Max’s heart felt. 

He’d hurt Daniel. 

The one person who actually liked him.

And Max had hurt him. 

He’d called him disgusting. He’d said Daniel had forced him into it. 

But he hadn’t. 

Sure, Daniel had been the one to brush their lips together first. But it was Max that kept it going. 

Max had been the one to hold him tighter. Max had been the one to climb into his lap. Max had been the one to moan against his mouth. 

Max had been the one that had woken up numerous times, with Daniel on his mind and his bed a mess. 

And he hadn’t thrown up then. 

So why did it feel so wrong now?

What was it about getting Daniel finally in his hands that felt so wrong even though it felt so stupidly, perfectly right?

Max sprinted out of the stairwell and into the hotel lobby. He had no idea where he was going. All he knew was that he had to get away. He’d hurt Daniel. 

He couldn’t even feel disgust at himself when the feelings of hurting Daniel overrode everything. 

Cold air slammed into him as Max pushed the doors open. Darkness welcomed Max as he stumbled out. The streets were quiet and it was what Max needed. He slumped down to sit on the hotel steps, and just let it go. 

Sobs wracked through his body and his heart wailed. 

_“They’re not real men, Max, don’t look at them. They’re disgusting.”_

_“You’re a man, Max. You don’t play with girls toys. You’re not a poof.”_

_“You’re a racer, Max. You’re a real man. Not some disgusting, fucked up, freak.”_

_“It’s warped. This stupid political bullshit. Who wants their kids to know about this shit? All they’re doing is making our kids into fags. My kids aren’t. My boy is a real man.”_

_The strength of his father’s hand around his throat constricted him. He couldn’t breathe. His tiny fingers were tugging and pulling, trying to loosen his grip. “If you ever, ever, look at a boy like that again, I will rip your head off your shoulders. I’ll prove to you what it means to be a man, Max. Don’t push me.”_

It was only when Max went limp that he’d been freed. He didn’t remember passing out, he only remembered waking up later on, his fireproofs pulled up around his neck to hide the blossoming purple bruises and his throat sore from the pain. 

Someone nudged Max’s leg with their own. 

“Hey, I know you probably want to be alone right now, but I’m going to sit here until you’re okay.”

“I’m fine,” Max stuttered out.

“Well no. You’re still sobbing your little heart out, mate. You’re not okay, and that’s fine. But I’m not going anywhere until you can breathe without nearly dying.”

Max hiccupped out more sobs and turned his head to bury his face in the person’s chest. Their arms came up to cradle Max and shush him, pressing gentle and loving kisses to his crown. 

“You’re not a bad person for liking kissing Daniel, Max.” They whispered, which had Max sob harder.

“It’s wrong, you can’t kiss boys, it’s bad.”

“No, it isn’t, kid. You can kiss whoever the hell you want and no one can make you feel bad for it. Kissing boys is just as valid as kissing girls. Or kissing no one. You don’t have to kiss people if you don’t want to.”

“I don’t,” Max whimpered and he sniffed hard, tilting his head up and looking at the stars living on in the dark sky.

“Then don’t. Don’t kiss people, it’s valid to not want to.”

“I just want to kiss Dan.” Max shakily admitted, “And I fucking ruined it.”

“I think he still really wants to kiss you too, Max.”

“No he doesn’t.” He wailed. “He doesn’t because I fucking ruined it!”

“You didn’t ruin anything, I think everyone can tell that you’re freaking out over this right now.”

“How can everyone just be so fucking fine with it? How can you all just kiss each other and hug each other and just _look at each other_?! How the hell can you all be fine with it?”

“Because we haven’t grown up with homophobic, terrifying parents that make you feel bad for being you.”

Max finally properly look up and let out another sob.

Max barely avoided flinching when Lewis reached up and wiped away his tears. 

“You are not a bad person. You can like boys and want to kiss boys or just even kiss Daniel. You don’t have to feel guilty because there is nothing to feel guilty about. It’s not disgusting, or wrong, or inappropriate.” Lewis told him.

“It’s fucked up.” Max said, but he knew the words were echoed from a very distinict voice in his head, “You can’t be a real racer if you kiss boys.”

“Am I a real racer Max?”

Max nodded. Of course Lewis was a real racer. He’d won five world championships and was on track to win a sixth. 

“But you just said you can’t be a real racer if you kiss boys. I kissed Valtteri. I liked kissing Valtteri. Does that make me not a real racer?”

Max thought about it for a moment and then shook his head.

“You’re a champion, you can do anything.”

“And you’re going to be a champion, Max. But you don’t have to wait until you win a championship to kiss boys or do anything you want to do. Charles kisses boys, he’s not a champion. Seb’s been kissing Kimi since before he won his championships. Daniel kissed you. He’s not a champion. There’s no classification for wanting to kiss boys. You can just kiss boys because you want to. And you can just want to kiss Daniel if you want to.”

Max’s sobs were dying down, and he pressed himself as tightly into Lewis’s side as he could. 

He and Lewis were fine with each other. Sure, they argued a lot and Max knew that he’d been the recipient of a lot of Lewis’ anger and comments since he’d came onto the scene, and Max knew that he’d thrown just as much shit back at Lewis over the years. 

They were racing drivers. They had to find an excuse for everything. 

But Max didn’t think he’d ever heard Lewis speak so truly and deeply that you could tell it was coming from the deep recesses of his heart.

“It’s okay to want to kiss Daniel, Max. You’re not disgusting for it. You don’t even have to be gay. You don’t have to put labels on anything, Max. You can just go through life knowing you like kissing Daniel and that’s fine. Not all of us fit into a box that easily, kid.” Lewis told him, rubbing his hand up and down Max’s arm comfortingly. 

“I think I need to say sorry to Dan,” Max whispered, rubbing his eyes. 

“Yeah, yeah you do. But Daniel will get it. You just need to talk to him. Explain everything. Explain what’s going on in your head and explain that it’s not easy for you to just accept that you can kiss him like the rest of us can. Years of abuse aren’t just going to go away because you told Daniel you’d like to kiss him. It’s going to be hard, Max, but if what you’ve done on the track proves anything, you’re strong and will fight hard enough to get what you want.” Lewis told him, smiling caringly at him. 

“I liked kissing Daniel. It felt…it felt safe.” Max admitted.

“It’s nice to feel safe, isn’t it?”

Max nodded sadly. 

“Come on then, mate, they’re probably all still getting drunk up there and I want to see if Lando convinced Kimi to give him any alcohol yet.” Lewis nudged. He stood up and held his hand out to give Max some help up. 

Max looked at Lewis’ hand a second. He had to take baby steps. He could just accept Lewis’ hand up, it wasn’t going to instantly turn him gay. 

Baby steps. 

Max let Lewis pull him up and fought his instincts to instantly drop his hand. Lewis just watched him, let Max take it all at his own pace. 

“You good?”

Max looked down at their hands. Earlier, it had been Valtteri’s hand in his place, his little finger tied around Lewis’. And they’d been fine.

So Max would be fine. 

It was okay. He didn’t have to have a meltdown. He just had to try and silence his Dad’s voice in his head. 

“I think so.” Max confirmed, smiling slightly at Lewis and then pulling his hand away. 

He shoved his hands into his pockets and finally the cold hit him. 

“Come on, mate. Before you get a cold, don’t want Daniel to freak out again,” Lewis joked, winking at Max.

Max laughed slightly and followed after Lewis. Goosebumps erupted on his arms as they walked back silently. Max’s head was busy. Half of his head was shouting at him for even smiling too long at Lewis, a half that distinctly sounded like an angry Dutchman. And the other half was whispering praise, telling him that he was going to be okay, a half that distinctly sounded like a loving Belgian. Max knew whose voice was whose. And as they rode the elevator back up, Max tried to focus on the voice that told him he was going to be okay. That he wasn’t broken. That he wasn’t disgusting. 

Because he wasn’t. 

Maybe he was gay. 

Maybe he wasn’t. 

Maybe he just really liked Daniel. 

But whatever it was, it was going to be okay. Max was allowed to want to kiss Daniel and not feel the guilt and the hatred and the horror and the disgust. 

He was allowed to be himself. 

Once they got to Lewis’ room again, Max hesitated. He could hear everyone laughing and the sound of someone screaming that Max was pretty sure sounded like Lando. 

“You don’t have to go in now, not if you’re not okay with it.”

Max hesitated longer and started scratching his nails up and down his arm again, tracing the lines he’d left there earlier. 

“No,” Max nodded, shutting out the voices. “I want to do it. I need to say sorry to Daniel.”

Lewis looked at him for a second longer and then swiped his keycard to let them back in. Lewis went first, Max shuffling for a moment, and then followed him in. The noise died down a little and Max went bright red as they turned to look at him. 

“Max? Are you okay?” Daniel asked, standing up and fidgeting his hands together. 

“Can we talk?” Max said, not giving himself chance to back out of talking to Daniel.

“Yeah of course,” Daniel stepped through the other drivers and followed Max out to the hallway. Lewis pressed the card into Daniel’s hand as he passed, smiling warmly at the pair of them. 

They came to sit opposite each other in the hallway and Max bit his lip. 

“I’m really sorry,” He said, blinking fast to try and stop the tears from falling again, “I shouldn’t have said what I did. It’s not you, okay? I’m not disgusted with you.”

“It’s okay, Max.”

“No, it isn’t, Dan. It really isn’t. I don’t know how to be with a boy and not just hear everything that _he_ said to me. I can’t just kiss you and not feel guilt. I don’t want to feel guilty, I just do.”

“You know it’s not wrong, right? You can kiss boys and it won’t hurt anyone.”

“Lewis said that,” Max laughed, “It’s hard to accept that, when the only thing you’ve ever heard is that you’re a bad person for wanting to look at a boy. I can’t just ignore him, Dan. It’s not just going to go away, I can’t. I can’t just make it go away. He fucking ruined my head, Dan.”

“I can’t pretend I know what that’s like, Maxy. It’s hard to even begin to imagine that you’ve gone through all this and you’re still trying to fight to accept who you could be.”

“If you’re willing to be slow, I want to try.” Max told him, his eyes following the lines of redness making their way up their arm, “I want to learn to be okay with wanting to kiss you all the time. I feel safe when I’m around you and I want to be okay with it.”

“I can do slow,” Daniel nodded.

Max slowly leant to pick up Daniel’s hand. Daniel’s fingers slid into place alongside his own and it felt okay. 

There was still some guilt there, fighting him but Max just breathed and closed his eyes. 

But when he opened his eyes and saw the gentle way Daniel’s fingers rest on his own, it was fine. He could hold hands with boys and kiss boys and it would be okay. 

It wouldn’t be okay when his Dad inevitably found out, but Max knew that in time, once he himself grew to be okay with it, he’d be able to find a way that his Dad wouldn’t have to be around him. 

Max shimmied his phone out of his pocket, ignored the quizzical look that Daniel was giving him and took a photo of their joint hands. Daniel’s rose tattoo was barely visible, but visible enough that she would know whose hand it was.

Ex-Gal   
  
Got him  
  
Told you’d do it! Proud of you!❤️  
  


It wouldn’t be easy for Max to be comfortable with Daniel. He was probably going to be spending the next few months just continuously apologising to Daniel and to the others for what they’d heard. And there was an echo in Max’s head that told him he was bad, he was a freak, but slowly, he could learn to ignore that voice. 

If Daniel was willing to be by his side, slowly guiding him and keeping him safe, Max could do this. He could find the warmth and the perfection that Daniel’s arms wanted to offer. 

Max could learn to love Daniel. 

And that would be okay. He could be gay. 

There was nothing wrong with being gay. 

Especially not if being gay meant he got to hold Daniel's hand all the time. Max found that he was actually quite liking it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr available at 3303andmore
> 
> I hope you liked this, comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!
> 
> Feedback is more than welcome and I am always up for any writing prompts that you wanna drop or even just tell me what you think, it makes me happy :)
> 
> See you in the next chapter soon x


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same triggers as previous chapter, including child abuse, self-harm, self-hatred, homophobia, all that jazz. There’s also mentions about suicidal thoughts in this chapter but it’s quite brief.
> 
> This chapter is set 2-3 weeks after the previous chapter :)
> 
> Remember my dudes, kiss whoever the hell you want to. Your choices are valid.

Processing guilt wasn’t something Max knew how to do. He’d spent 21 years hearing that he couldn’t be gay, that he couldn’t like boys, that if he looked at boys his father would hurt him. To then turn around and suddenly be touching and hugging and kissing boys without recoiling in guilt, it wasn’t something that Max was able to just do straight away, but he was working on it. 

When Max had asked Daniel to take things slow, he really did. And Max didn’t realise just how much that would help. 

At the start, they just got to know each other. They already _knew_ each other, but there was something different about getting to know someone when you was dating. Max was discovering all of the silly little things Daniel did and he found that he kind of loved it? 

It was the way that when Daniel fell asleep, no matter what time or where he was, he’d rub his left eye with his right fist and sigh, and then fall asleep. The way he hummed and his lips curled up at the first taste of coffee and whisper ‘this be the good shit’ under his breath every single time he had a cup. How when he fell into a deep thought, he’d run his fingers back and forth across his chin and a small crease would form between his eyebrows.

And Max adored learning all the silly little quirks Daniel had. Especially when he got to learn them by sitting quietly and just hanging out with Daniel, their pinkie fingers just touching between them. It was the smallest form of affection but it gave Max the comfort that he could slowly start to be okay with being with another boy.

——

Daniel came over to Max’s apartment a couple of weeks into summer break and joined him for a run, and when they’d arrived back, Max had panicked slightly. 

Most couples would shower together, taking that opportunity for more intimacy. But Max couldn’t do that. Not yet. 

“You shower first, I’ve got to phone Michael anyway and you know he blabbers on, so feel free to go and shower and I’ll go in when you’re done,” Daniel said, smiling at Max and winking cheekily. He could tell Max was freaking out and he’d promised slow so he was delivering on it. Instead Daniel stepped out onto the balcony and started scrolling his phone. He didn’t actually need to ring Michael, but it was the easiest way of giving Max an out and keeping him calm. 

When Max was out of the shower, he walked out with his towel round his waist and his chest bare. Daniel stared at him, trailing his eyes lazily up Max’s chest and grinning.

“Hot.” Daniel nodded, which had Max blush badly. 

_Disgusting_ is what echoed in Max’s head. But he screwed his eyes shut, shook his head and clenched his fist, trying to shake the voice away. He wasn’t disgusting. He was okay. 

“Babe?”

Max shook his head again, holding up his hand to stop Daniel touching him.

“Max, you good?”

“I can hear him.”

Daniel’s hands pressed against Max’s ears, dragging his attention to him and Max slowly pulled his eyes open. 

“You’re with me, you’re safe. You’re good.”

“I’m good,” Max repeated. He brought his hands up to grip at Daniel’s wrists and pulled his hands away from his ears. 

“I’m going to go shower, that okay?” 

Max nodded. Daniel smiled slightly and started to pull away, but Max stopped him. Instead he pulled Daniel’s face forward and brushed their lips together. He could feel Daniel’s lips grow into wider smile against his own lips and in the end, they were more just smiling against each other rather than kissing. But Max didn’t mind. 

Baby steps.

Daniel went through to the shower and Max went to get dressed. With Daniel in his place, Max was still at the early stage in their relationship in which he wanted to dress nicely and show himself off to Daniel, but they’d also been friends for years at this point and Daniel had seen him at his best and his worst, so really there was no need. Instead, Max just put on some nicer shorts and a better t-shirt than normal and sat down on his bed. He could hear Daniel’s music playing in the bathroom and Max smiled. He could hear Daniel singing along. He forgot how much Daniel loves to sing, even if he doesn’t have the best singing voice in the world. But it didn’t seem to matter when it’s coming from the person you love, it just seems as though-

Wait

_love_

Holy shit

Oh fuck

Oh god

Max loves Daniel.

They weren’t at that stage yet.

He wasn’t even okay with knowing he liked Daniel like that yet, let alone be even beginning to be okay with the idea of loving the man. 

_You can’t love him. You’re not worthy of it. No one will ever love you. Why would Daniel want to love you? You called him disgusting. You called **this** being a freak. Daniel is only here because he feels sorry for you. No one will want to date you._.

“You’re wrong,” Max mumbled, tugging at his hair and rocking slightly, “You’re wrong. He does want to be here. He wants to be with me.”

_Am I really? You can’t even kiss him without thinking you’re bad. How much longer do you think he’ll stick around?_

“He’ll stay ‘cause he likes me. Daniel likes me. You’re wrong.”

“Max? Baby, are you alright?” Daniel’s voice cut through, silencing the other voice and Max looked up. Daniel was squatting in front of him, his hands resting on Max’s bare knees and scrapping his fingers back and forth. 

“I can hear him.” Max slowly said, “I was thinking about you and then I could hear him.”

“What was he saying, love?”

“That you won’t stay, you’re only here ‘cause you feel sorry for me.” Max told him, eyes watery and his lip wobbling as he looked at Daniel.

“No babe, never. I’m here because I want to date you. You’re my beautiful boy, I want to date you okay? So that stupid voice can shut up because it doesn’t know shit, I want you, Maxy.”

Max slammed his palm against his head again and the voice that had been mumbling fell silent. Daniel quickly gripped his hand to stop him doing it again. 

“Woah, babe, don’t do that.”

“It makes it go quiet though.”

“I know, I know, Max, but you’ll hurt yourself, and I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Max pulled his hand out of Daniel’s grip and shuffled backwards up the bed. Daniel watched Max for a moment longer and then started to get dressed fully. He watched Max for a while and then curled up on the bed beside him. Max was scrolling his phone and Daniel simply lay there, watching his phone throw the colours on the screen up onto Max’s pale cheeks.

“Maxy, can I ask you something?”

Max nodded but didn’t take his eyes off his phone. Daniel sighed and swiped Max’s phone out of his hands, chucking it behind him and making Max look up at him properly. 

“Please don’t be angry at me-“

“Why would I be angry?”

“Because I’m about to ask you something that you could get angry at.”

Max sat up and stared properly at Daniel. 

“What do you want to ask?”

“Have you thought about talking to someone about all of this?”

Max frowned and tilted his head.

“I’m talking to you about it, aren’t I?”

Daniel sighed and shook his head.

“I mean a therapist, it might be kinda useful. I don’t know, but I haven’t gone through what you have, Max. It might be better and beneficial if you talk to something that has experience with dealing with situations like what’s happened with you and your dad.”

Max stared at Daniel for a while, not saying anything, just staring, and Daniel didn’t look away. Whatever was going through Max’s head, he needed to wait and listen to what he was going to say. Even if it was simply a screaming response of ‘what the fuck no’, Daniel had to hear him out. He told Max he’d help him work on this.

“Fine.” Max said eventually, clambering off the bed and wandering out of the room. 

Daniel stared after him, and then hurriedly got up and chased after wherever Max had gone when he heard something crash followed by a whimper. 

Max was hunched over on the floor, his back to Daniel as he frantically moved his hands back and forth. Daniel approached him, and just as he reached out to touch Max’s shoulder to spin him around, he saw the pool at his feet. 

Water mixing with some brown liquid that Daniel couldn’t place. 

“Max, get away from it,” Daniel tugged, dragging Max away. 

Max turned around with big tears working their way down his face and his hands were shaking. 

“I’m sorry, I can be better, please don’t leave me, I’m really trying.”

Daniel frowned and held Max’s hands in his, trying to comfort him. But then he saw the minute wince cross Max’s face and he dropped his hands quickly.

“No I’m sorry I’ll be better!” Max begged, grabbing Daniel’s hands and pressing their fingers together. 

A cold wetness hit Daniel’s knuckles where Max’s fingers were touching them and he pulled their joint hands up. Across the tips of Max’s fingers were endless cuts, bleeding profusely. 

“Max what the fuck happened?!”

But then Daniel looked at the mess at their feet. The water and the reddy-brown mess mixing amongst shattered glass. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me, I’ll clean it up.” Max begged, sniffing hard to try and stop the tears from flowing. 

Instead Daniel dropped his hands and reached across to pull Max into him properly. He trailed his hands down Max’s body and pulled at his leg. Max reluctantly got the hint and allowed Daniel to pick him up. Max had always been light, even amidst all the muscle he was able to pack in, but he was so lean and thin and now that Daniel was carrying him as though he weighed nothing, he feared for Max’s health. 

He shouldn’t be this thin. 

And Daniel knew precisely who had encouraged Max to be this small. Who told him the smaller he is the quicker he’ll go. Who told him that in order to win he had to win at everything, and that included being the lightest on the grid. 

But he didn’t matter anymore. Max was Daniel’s now. Daniel’s to take care of and to look after and to guide and to love. 

Max buried his face in Daniel’s neck and hiccuped out more cries, but tried to keep them under control. Daniel was whispering reassurances, telling Max he wasn’t angry, he was just worried, that he wasn’t going anywhere and Max was going to be fine. 

Daniel deposited Max on the edge of the bathtub and cradled his hands ever so delicately in his own.

“What happened Max?”

Max looked down at his fingers and stretched them, watching as more blood pooled out. 

“You don’t want me.” He sighed, “I wanted to prove that I can be good enough for you.”

“Max, babe, what the hell are you talking about? I never said I don’t want you.”

“You don’t want to talk to me,” Max mumbled. It was barely louder than a breath but in the silence of the bathroom it was as though Max had screamed it.

“Max, no, that wasn’t what I meant, I’m sorry I should’ve explained better.” Daniel kisses Max’s forehead and wiped the tears away, and then started to clean his fingers up. 

“I just meant that you should maybe talk to someone that can help you make sense of the voices. I don’t know how to help Max, and I really want to be able to help you. So maybe if we start going, they can help us to figure out the best way for you to figure out what the fuck he did to your head.”

Max cried as he silently watched Daniel clean up his fingers.

“We? You want to come with me?” Max whimpered eventually, screwing his eyes up when Daniel ran his fingers under the water. 

“I want you to be comfortable, if you want me there I’ll be there.” Daniel smiled at him and Max looked up shakily at him.

“Do you think it’s a good idea?”

“It’s worth trying. You won’t lose anything by trying. It’s all confidential babe, maybe let’s just look into it. Does that sound okay?”

Max nodded slightly. 

“Let’s try.”

Daniel smiled at him and now Max’s hands weren’t bleeding anymore, he cupped his jaw and kissed him lightly. 

“I promised you we’d do this together and we’d do it slow. It’s going to be fine, Max.”

The tears were still streaming down his cheeks but it was less so because he was upset and more because he was hopeful yet absolutely terrified. 

Opening up his head and his heart to a therapist would be the worst thing that Max could imagine doing. But maybe Daniel was onto something. The idea of therapy always scared Max, and in the back of his head he could hear _his_ voice screaming at him for being weak. But therapy didn’t make him weak. If Daniel told him it would be okay and they could do it together he wasn’t weak. He was just trying to help and get Max to understand what the hell went on in his head.

And Max trusted Daniel inexplicably. 

So maybe it would be okay. 

He just had to learn to silence his Dad’s voice and make the voice that told him he wasn’t good enough for Daniel and had him hurt himself go away. 

He was good enough and he wasn’t disgusting. Daniel told him that. 

Daniel never lied to him.

———

Sitting on the therapist’s sofa, Max couldn’t stop his leg from shaking. She was talking them through what to expect and Daniel was signing some papers for confidentiality. 

Max’s head was spinning so fast and screaming at him, telling him to get out. 

“Max, Max you’re okay. Stop listening to him and listen to me.” 

Max hadn’t even realised he was pressing his palms into his temple, trying to silence him. Daniel had been working hard lately to stop Max continuously slamming his hand into his head, and so far, it had been working. It was a hard habit to break, especially when it was so effective at silencing _him_. However, the bruises that had formed hurt only marginally compared to the hurt that was present in Daniel’s face whenever he did it. And Max definitely cared more about not hurting Daniel than he cared about not hurting himself. He wasn’t as important as Daniel was. He needed to keep Daniel safe, them he could think about keeping himself safe. 

“Does this happen a lot, Max?” The therapist asked.

“He’s in my head, he never leaves,” Max mumbled in response, gripping Daniel’s hand and pressing his face into Daniel’s shoulder. When Daniel was nearby, his head went quiet. It was easier to hear the good things when he knew Daniel was there. 

“What does he say, Max?”

“That Daniel doesn’t love me. That I’m bad for loving him, that I’m disgusting. I’m a freak. He tells me I’m weak, that I’m not worth it. Sometimes he tells me he’d rather I was dead than be a broken person.”

Max still had his face pressed into Daniel’s shoulder and so he didn’t see the way Daniel screwed his eyes shut. He knew about Max being told that he wasn’t worthy, but he had no idea about the wishing he was dead. 

“And do you ever wish to end your life?”

Max hesitated and pulled his head up. He looked at Daniel and curled his lips up in a slight smile. 

“Not anymore. I did when I was younger, when I was confused and scared. But it’s better now. I just can’t make him stop saying it.”

“Max, do you understand that your father was abusive towards you? He’s emotionally manipulated you and I do not know if he has ever used physical violence-”

“He strangled me so hard I passed out once.” Max shrugged. He felt numb the more he talked, but the voice was growing quieter the more Max tried to make him go away, regardless of how much he tried to scream that Max needed to leave and that therapy wasn’t good for him. Daniel never took his eyes off Max and it grounded him, it helped to quieten the voice massively. 

“If you wanted to report your father to the police, he’d be charged and sent to prison, do you know that, Max?”

Max wondered why she kept saying his name. He knew who he was. He knew she wasn’t talking to Daniel. He wasn’t some fucked in the head freak. That was all Max.

“Max, do you understand what I’m telling you?”

Max nodded.

“It won’t make him stop though. Just because I know it’s not okay what he did, doesn’t mean I can just switch it off. Him going to prison isn’t going to stop his shit echoing in my head every single time I look at the only person to ever actually care about me.”

“When did he start being homophobic, Max?”

“Since the second he was born,” Max sighed. He rubbed his hands over his face. He was so tired. 

“Have you ever challenged your father’s beliefs?”

“Yeah, and I got punched for it.” Max stared deadpan at her, “Learnt my lesson pretty quick.”

The therapist wrote some things down, glanced up at the way Max was gripping onto Daniel like he was going to drown without his hold, and then wrote some more down.

“What’s your aim, Max? What do you want to get out of therapy?”

Max looked up at Daniel but he shook his head.

“I can’t tell you what you need, Max. You need to take control of what’s happening in your head, you can make decisions, love.” Daniel told him as carefully as he could. 

Max fiddled with Daniel’s fingers and dropped his head to rest against Daniel’s shoulder. 

He wanted to know how to make his dad’s voice go silent in his head. 

He wanted to know how to love Daniel and not feel guilty. 

He wanted to learn how to stop scratching at his skin and slamming his hand into his head and pulling his hair so hard sometimes he ripped it out. 

He wanted to be intimate with Daniel and be able to do more than hold his hand and kiss him. 

He wanted to be able to look in the mirror and smile. 

“I want to learn to like myself.” Max whispered. He felt like an absolute idiot for it. It felt like such a cop-out answer, but it was true. If he could like himself, he could like the idea of being with Daniel. And everything else would fall into place alongside it. 

“I think that sounds like an excellent aim, Max.” She smiled, and when Max looked up at Daniel, he saw the massive grin Daniel was sporting too. 

“Yeah?” He tentatively asked. Never had Max felt so out of his depth. In contrast to Daniel and the therapist, he really did feel young. His age had always been a weird subject for him, but since accepting that he wanted to date Daniel, he’d just felt more out of place than ever. 

“I like you a lot, and I’d like it if you liked yourself too,” Daniel told him. If the therapist wasn’t looking at them, Max would’ve leant up and capture Daniel’s lips in his own and kissed him properly, thanking him for everything that he had done. 

“So, I want you to do some homework for me, Max. And Daniel can do it too if you like.”

“I haven’t done homework in nearly fifteen years don’t make me start now,” Daniel whined, which Max grinned at. 

“You’re doing it too.” 

Daniel groaned but Max was too busy laughing to care. 

The therapist went in her drawers and pulled out two notebooks. One was yellow and one was blue. Whether she intentionally gave them their team colours or not, Max had no idea. But he took the yellow one and had Daniel take the blue one. Whatever its purpose, having this yellow notebook would remind Max that he always had Daniel with him, regardless of teams separating them. He would always be with Max. 

“So the purpose of your homework is that everytime you have these negative thoughts, the thoughts where it’s your dad or your own internal monologue, I want you to write it down. And then I want you to rate it. Do it however you like, a percentage, star rating, I don’t care. As long as it makes sense to you. Then I want you to explain the thought and why you gave it that rating. 

“Here’s an example: I’m a bad person because I like kissing Daniel. I am going to rate that as an 87% belief. I believe this because it is wrong to kiss boys and Daniel is a boy. So that’s you making a note and a rating and also explaining why the rating fits, does that make sense?” She waited for Max and Daniel to both nod before she continued. 

“Then I want you to re-explain it, but flip it. So, you’ve stated that it’s bad because it’s wrong to kiss boys, but then change it. Say something like ‘I am not a bad person because it is not wrong to like boys and I am allowed to like boys’. Then you’ll re-evaluate your original thought. Maybe it only drops a bit or maybe rationalising your thoughts will have it drop massively. But keep this up until our next appointment. You don’t have to share it with each other if you don’t want to, but we’ll have a chat about how you’ve got on next time to see if CBT is effective for you or whether we want to try a different behavioural therapy.”

Max nodded and flipped the book between his hands. 

“Right, so race next week. How are you feeling about that?”

The rest of the therapy session was much about how Max was going to manage his mental health whilst at the races and learning to not become reliant on Daniel. It wasn’t going to be easy, but the fact that they were now separated onto different teams did mean that they couldn’t spend all their time together. It would probably do them some good to be apart, even just for a few hours. 

Max booked himself in for another session with her once they were done, and he walked out feeling lighter than he had in a long time. Daniel left Max to stew over his thoughts whilst they walked to the car, and it was only once in the safety of the car and Daniel had started to drive them back to their apartment block that Daniel piped up. 

“How you feeling?” 

“Weird. Empty, I think. But at the same time, it’s like every worry I’ve ever had, it’s just gone. And I feel kind of free.”

“Do you think therapy could work then?”

“Maybe.” Max nodded, “It’s worth a try.”

“I’m really proud of you, you know that, right?” Daniel told him, taking Max’s hand in his and slotting their fingers together. “This is a massive thing to be doing and it’s not easy and it’s really scary. But I’m really proud of you for trying.”

Max blushed under Daniel’s gentle gaze and nodded shyly. 

“I couldn’t do it without you, you know that right? It makes it easier when you tell me it’s going to be okay.”

“Yeah you could. You’re strong. You were already trying to fight it, Max. You just needed someone to help push you a bit. Anyone could’ve done that for you, I’m just grateful I get to be a part of you learning to like yourself.”

“I meant what I said in there. It’s like he’s threatened by your presence. It goes so quiet in my head when you’re around.”

“I’m glad, Max. You deserve a quiet head. He doesn’t deserve any real estate in your head. You’re worth everything in comparison to that prick.”

Max nodded around a yawn and tried to stretch as well as he could in his seat. 

“Tired?” Daniel asked, smiling when Max just hummed a response.

“Will you stay over tonight?” Max asked, “Like stay over in my bed and don’t sleep somewhere else.”

Daniel looked across at Max briefly before he had to draw his attention back onto the road. 

“Are you sure? I’m still okay going as slow as you want, Max.”

“You fall asleep on my sofa all the time, you may as well fall asleep in my bed too.” Max answered. His voice shook with fear and his Dad’s voice tried to pipe up and tell him that it was wrong to allow that. 

Max didn’t hear Daniel’s response, too busy scrambling a pen out of Daniel’s centre console and scribbling down the thought in his notebook. 

_I’m wrong for wanting to sleep with Daniel. It’s too intimate with a boy - 74%_

_It’s not sleeping with him. It’s sleeping in the same bed as him. It’s different. I am okay to want to spend time in his presence._

_I’m wrong for wanting to sleep with Daniel – 19%_

“You good there, Maxy?”

“I heard him, telling me I was wrong for asking you to sleep over. But you can, because sleepovers are cool. It doesn’t mean having sex. There’s nothing wrong with having a sleepover.” Max rationalised, and he grinned when his chest felt light. 

The vice-like grip on his chest vanished. 

It was working. 

It was actually working. 

His head and his heart were working normally. 

“Sleepovers are fun. We should watch crappy teenager movies and braid each other’s hair.” Daniel winked at Max. 

Max cocked his head to the side and looked at Daniel. He reached up and tugged on Daniel’s curls.

“I reckon I could braid your hair. It’s getting long enough.”

“There’s no way you can braid hair, so sure, try it. I’ll laugh as you get frustrated at it.” Daniel joked, but he didn’t catch the mischievous grin on Max’s face. 

Maybe Max had never told Daniel that he knew how to braid hair. He had two little sisters. He definitely knew how to braid their hair, and he used to do it when Blue-Jaye’s was just a bit longer than Daniel’s currently was. 

Oh he was going to have fun with this. 

Max never noticed, but his Dad’s voice was growing quieter. The more Max thought about Daniel and just acted like it was something he’d had his whole life, the less impact he had. Tonight, his voice would be quieter and it would just be him and Daniel. Not him, Daniel and his Dad’s voice. 

And Max laughed the entire night when Daniel realised that he did actually know what he was doing. Daniel had pulled Max off the sofa from behind him as Daniel had little braids sticking up around his head, and Max laughed loudly underneath him as Daniel straddled his waist and ticked him relentlessly. 

Max snaked his legs up to trap Daniel and flipped them over, finally able to grab Daniel’s hands away from tickling his sides and trap them above his head. 

Max looked into Daniel’s eyes but it felt like he was looking into his soul. And what he could see there convinced Max that he was doing the right thing. Daniel was looking up at him with pride, love, happiness and contentedness. 

Regardless of his father’s voice, Max was able to slowly process that he was doing the right thing. Daniel knew the shit that went through his head, and yet he still looked at Max like he was the most amazing person to ever grace the planet. 

“I’m going to fall in love with you one day,” Max murmured. 

The feelings he’d had of realising he loved Daniel weren’t the feelings of being _in love_ with Daniel. He loved him and he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his days growing old with Daniel, but the more he learnt and understood what was going on in his head, the more he understood that it was love in the way that you fell for a person. He definitely felt some form of love for him, but it wasn’t the _in love_ feeling he knew would come in time. 

Yet his heart and his head were so ready, yet so petrified, for that moment that he could actually _fall in love_ with Daniel and his head would be so quiet and it would just be normal again. 

He was normal. 

He just needed some extra time to get there. 

There wasn’t anything wrong with him for liking boys. It was normal to like boys. 

“Oh babe, I’m definitely falling in love with you,” Daniel responded, reaching up and running his fingers down Max’s face and dipping his fingers against Max’s neck to rest underneath his shirt. His fingers splayed across his warm skin and he pulled him down. 

Their mouths moved lazily against each other, and when Daniel moved his hands to Max’s waist and pulled him down so that his weight was resting on Daniel, he didn’t think twice. 

It wasn’t until later, when they were curled up in bed, some weird show about Area 51 playing on Netflix in the background, that Max gasped and sat up, pushing himself away from where he’d been curled against Daniel’s chest. Daniel had been scraping his fingers across Max’s skull and playing with his hair as Max started to drop off against his chest, his fingers gripping Daniel’s shirt. 

“Max, what’s wrong?” Daniel immediately asked, alarmed at how quickly Max’s behaviour had changed. 

“He hasn’t made a noise…” Max whispered, a grin breaking out on his face as he shakily brought his hands up to cover his face and wipe the tears away, “My head, Dan, my head’s quiet.”

“Really?”

“He’s quiet. Daniel he’s gone.”

Max knew he wasn’t _gone_ gone. He would not doubt be back with a vengeance, screaming at Max for being disgusting enough to allow Daniel to sleep next to him in his own bed, tomorrow morning. But right now, Max felt normal. He felt like he knew he should. 

It was the first time in years that Max was going to fall asleep and not have to deal with his father’s voice echoing in the depths of his brain. All that filled his head was his mother’s voice and Daniel’s voice, intermingling and telling him how proud they were of him. Learning to be okay with liking Daniel wasn’t coming without its problems, and Max knew there would still be plenty of times, especially when they started to become ready to be more intimate with each other, that his father’s voice would definitely be at the forefront and it would take everything in Daniel’s power and Max’s pure will and determination to silence him. 

But therapy would help with that.

Daniel would help with that.

Max believed he could do it. 

He felt okay now. Good, even. He wasn’t going to magically stop hearing his Dad’s voice and he knew he wasn’t better from it all yet. It had still been 21 years of horrific abuse he was fighting. His Dad’s voice was still there and Max knew that he would still hear it as he grew to manage and control it. But he was doing something about it, he was fighting it. 

He would keep fighting. 

And with Daniel by his side and his Mum’s voice trying to squash it in his head, he knew he’d be okay. He just had to keep fighting. 

And Max didn’t go down without a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I hope you liked this. It's not exactly what I imagined their happy ending to be but actually I'm really happy with it. Please let me know what you think. There was probably more angst than any of us anticipated with this chapter but Max is doing good and I'm proud of him. 
> 
> Did I have Max go to therapy bc I'm a psychology student and I'm a massive supporter of getting help if you need it and feel comfortable for it? Yes. Yes I did. The therapy Max is having is CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and it's a therapy I've been learning for a while and have some personal experience with, so I figured it would work for Max :)
> 
> Prompts are always accepted either in the comments or as a message on Tumblr - they go onto a massive list and get written as the inspiration takes me :)
> 
> Tumblr available at 3303andmore
> 
> Kudos, comments and feedback are always greatly appreciated and I hope you enjoyed. 
> 
> Until the next one folks x


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